What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of a ‘loser’?
It shouldn’t be too hard to guess, as they are not an exception these days: Someone who is overweight, a person who is socially awkward, one who is fearful of conflict, who is poorly dressed (like even for a big guy).
However, if there is one thing that is a virtual guarantee of anyone who is cast out as a dork (or in times gone by ‘nerd’), it would be their prowess with women or the lack thereof.
You see there is something of a predictable correlation between guys who suck with girls and those who are perceived by their peers as weak, out of touch, or downright inept, or in times gone to be categorized as g**.
Things have changed a bit over the years. Particularly with the changing character of Western education, notably in high schools and college; where the growing emphasis on inclusivity and tolerance, in addition to the increasingly gender-neutral character of social discourse.
Much of which is a code word for stamping out traditional masculinity, by making everything “nice, safe and comfortable”. Which unfortunately has had the effect of pushing men, who wish to discover and grow in their masculinity, to the side.
Which might sound like good news for some. Especially for all the ‘losers’ who are bedeviled by chronic social anxiety, and/or are yet to lose the V-card.
After all, if the dominant discourse and later, the social expectations that accompany it, when it comes to men is no longer one that is tied to proving themselves in the dating marketplace, and not being afraid to establish their identity as strong masculine men. Then it is likely to give a lot of men, who are yet to (or are afraid) to find their way in the dating space get a free pass.
Added to this there is the historical confusion of how men should go about relating to women: from the Disney princess story of boy meets girl, to other fairytale beliefs (which they literally are) of how things ‘just happen’ between men and women. Which they never do.
Then there are those guys who have given up on the dating game together. Men who have purposely opted out, and instead are content to prove themselves in other areas. Or not!
The question is: Is this good? Is it good for the men involved, and for society as a whole?
The Problem with Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW)
First when we talk about men who are not open to or don’t express a degree of interest in the opposite sex, and its wider implications, we need to understand the nature of this problem.
Whilst it is a matter that is impossible to fully deconstruct in the course of a few hundred words, it is important that we recognize that there is an ongoing problem when it comes to men and their ability and willingness to relate to women. And critically, to do so in a constructive way that aids their growth and development.
The problem today is that men, owing to a variety of reasons have either opted out of the dating and relationship market or have given up on the idea altogether, despite desiring real companionship with the opposite sex. And that is the really sad part about this phenomenon of men going their own way or MGTOW as it is known.
So before proceeding to study the individual and societal consequences that result from men going their own way, we need to identify some of the key factors that set this group of men apart.
The Danger of Online ‘Freedom’
One of the major changes that have taken place over the past decade or so have been the growing emphasis on our digital identity. A person’s beliefs, capabilities, status, and even social worth are determined significantly or even primarily by what he is able to offer in the digital space.
One of the positives of this change is that a lot of guys who were historically unable to succeed in the physical space that makes up the social sphere (in dating, sports, public speaking, etc.) were now able to establish their presence online. And in time, depending on their message, a number of them have come to make their mark in this particular space.
Returning to the earlier question on what defines a looser, the technological developments that have accelerated over the years, and social changes that they have brought forth, notably to how people interact in the real world, have to a great degree aided men who have historically been poorly adapted to the social arena involving actual relationships.
With the aid of nothing more than a smartphone, or computer and with some editing/programming skills (or not even that) a lot of scared, socially awkward, maladjusted men have been to, in some sense, break free from their characteristic shortfalls. Specifically when it comes to their dealing with women. Or in the case of men going their own way: to establish their own social sphere, devoid of women.
Further, the move towards the digital world has only accelerated in the last few years, thanks in part to a certain pandemic that originated in a certain part of the world, that basically shut down our social lives, which helped further entrench the view that life online is the way forward.
When it comes to men, however, here we are talking primarily about men in their 20s and 30s and maybe 40s: the kind of guys who are filled with potential, belief, and will to make a difference, who have made this calculation that women are not that important.
Or more specifically, in the case of MGTOW, relationships with the opposite sex that goes beyond the platonic, and involve something physical, emotional, and potentially meaningful are no longer significant.
However, this, supposed freedom from women, does not take away the deeper, biological urge for female companionship, and at a deeper level for sexual intimacy that all healthy, sane human beings crave.
So the question is how are all of these men who decide to go their own way dealing with questions of their desires and urges? The answer ought to be self-evident.
What has been one of the mainstays in the growth of the internet? Well, one of the most notable has been the prevalence of adult content.
For a long time sites that trafficked in these were the most dominant. Things started to change (for the better or worse!?) with the popularity of social media apps, and later streaming sites.
In the context of men and their relationships with women, we encounter new variables entering the space such as dating apps, and social networking sites. In the latter case, for a lot of men, basically function as a getaway into a fantasy world filled with sexy women to gawk at (the purpose of Instagram for a larger number of men). To be a source of a more personalized digital stimulation on demand (OnlyFans).
Dating sites apart, the move toward computing and mobile technology, and the idea of living primarily in the digital world that opens the door to, have made many men somewhat indifferent to the idea of pursuing real, physical relationships with women.
Instead, men are left to derive their fulfillment from a world of fantasy women they can never have.
Oh but wait, these are the very same men who have moved on and away from women!
The Consequences of Pursuing a ‘Woman Free’ Life
The problem with men staying away from, or staying away from the idea of pursuing women (as the two are not always the same) manifests at the individual and later at the social levels.
The personal one first.
Look, as a man in life, there are a handful of things you need to get right: Having a decent career, a good relationship with your family and friends, being active in your community or your chosen niche that goes beyond work, and the ability to attract and maintain meaningful relationships with women. And underlying all of this is your mindset.
Now we can pick apart each of these factors, but what they all have in common is their interconnectedness. One cannot really do without the other.
Whilst technically it could. As I am sure, the reader, if he happens to be an individual who subscribes to the MGTOW way of life, would respond with: ‘Hey I live a good life, with no women’.
However, our concern here is about the importance of success in the dating and relationship space when it comes to you becoming a full, masculine man.
If you are curious as to what is meant to be a masculine man, we have engaged this subject in detail here.
Here is a summary of this point: the idea of being a masculine man is about being (or becoming) a person who constantly pursues growth, who is open to new ideas and experiences; someone who is willing to take risks, confront his fears, and yes, someone who does not fear rejection.
Are you that person?
And here I am asking the question to all of the guys who have decided to go their own way: that is to reject the idea of pursuing women, who wish to chart their own course in life. Have you guys discovered your true self?
Have you become a better man when it comes to facing your fears when it comes to taking risks when it comes to establishing yourself in society? And here I am not talking about having x number of subscribers on your YouTube channel or some other social media platform.
Whilst such things will certainly help, our question, or should I say, our challenge to you is: Have you made it in life? Do believe at the deepest level that you have become the man you were meant to be? HAVE you?
Returning to the point about losers: who today seem to be fewer in number, mainly because of the freedoms made possible by digital technology. But these men, who essentially drift away from the social world of real relationships and take refuge behind a screen or in front of a camera (the Zoom era). But are unable to make it happen with real women. Are these the kind of men you want to be?
At a broader level, the question becomes this: are these the type of men (which could be the person reading this) better equipped to face the trials and challenges of life? The type of men who don’t have the experience, the reference point when it comes to engaging, socializing, and being intimate with the opposite sex. Are these the kind of men you should look up to?
The Social Effects of Men Going Their Own Way
When it comes to the societal effects that result from men, let’s say a significant number, who opt for a life without contact with the opposite sex, it is important once again to start with the psychology of the individual.
Some of you in the online space that deals with topics like men, masculinity, personal development, and by extension dating would be familiar with the problem of the Incels: which is basically a catch-all- term for guys who have trouble getting laid.
However, the darker side of this equation is the dangers that emerge when such men-usually young guys, who have trouble relating to women socially-start acting out their frustrations in the real world.
The thing about men is that sex is a powerful driver. At times an overwhelming one. One that every man must know how to discipline, control, and direct.
Failure to do so can lead to an array of consequences. From cases of men acting out their sexual urges unethically or illegally, with social ills like rape being a major consequence.
But a lesser but highly problematic manifestation of these unmet sexual urges is observable in the social sphere, notably in the workplace: where cases of sexual harassment or even abuse are increasingly prevalent in the world of men going their own way.
Such problems, at one level, can be traced back to men not being in control of their sexuality. Or for that matter, for not getting any in the first place.
Of course, one might counter this point by saying that: ‘Oh well that’s just how all men are. The real problem lies with male sexuality, and by extension men’.
We’ve heard this kind of cr** before. Usually coming from certain groups of feminists. And frankly, it is not worth engaging here.
However what needs to be said, and what society needs to recognize carefully is that men’s sexuality is a serious subject. One that cannot be argued away as either non-existent or as something inherently problematic. Rather it is something that needs to be confronted constructively.
For speaking of the reality of Incels, one of its worst social manifestations is the sort of guy who feels angered by what he believes women (and society) have deprived him of: the attention, love, and physical intimacy with women. The horror of incel violence, which we have also engaged is worth considering at this point.
In addition, the lesser problem of those guys who think that they can take a step back from women and relationships, and can focus solely on their career, thinking that somehow making more money and/or moving up the career ladder is going to….What exactly, make women fall in love with them?
To this equation, we can add the widespread consumption of porn, and the lack of sex in the lives of men in their 20s and 30s in contrast to women in the same group over the past decade. A point that is gaining increasing attention today.
And it is a fair guess that a lot of the guys who are going their own way will make up the bulk of these numbers. This is a lose–lose scenario for everyone and it needs to change.
Master Dating and Relationships to Become a Better Man
There is no easy way around this son. To become a fuller, more masculine man you need to be good in the dating, sex, and relationships arena.
Being a masculine man is not just limited to someone who is not only able to excel in his professional life: such as having a steady source of income, building the business that you always wanted, and connecting with the right social network that gives that sense of community and fellowship.
Rather it is also about being able to go out and take risks. To do the things you always wanted to but are afraid to. It is about being able to approach the girls you are attracted to and say Hi! Sounds simple, but believe me, for a lot of men today that prospect is tougher than climbing Mount Everest.
Being able to make a 6 figure salary is not the same as being able to put yourself out there, face rejection, overcome social anxiety, and rise to the challenge of mastering the game. And in time to excel in other areas as well. Make no mistake mastering the dating game will make you stronger elsewhere.
Unfortunately, a lot of men are just choosing to opt out of it.
The problem with men going their own way, one suspects is a problem with men who are not able to relate to women, but a deeper level, who simply don’t have the confidence to go out and get what they want out of life. Or don’t know how to.
Since dating is fundamentally a skill game, one that is built on having the right mindset, this a problem that can be, needs to be solved. Practically.
There is no beating around the bush.
Guys who are good with women (provided that is not their sole preoccupation) invariably do better at life. Even if the idea of going it alone is appealing, especially if you have had an unpleasant history with women, it is nothing compared to the satisfaction that comes from being able to gain mastery in this arena.
The question is: Do you want to? And if you do, do you have a strategy to fix it. And quick. Caz we do. One that not only helps fix your problems with dating and women but helps set you on the way in the area of finance, personal development, and beyond.
Girls, girls, girls. It is easy to take this aspect of life for granted. Especially if you are not investing any time and energy into it. But that is where the problem lies. To think that women are a problem because you cannot get the girls you want is not the right mindset. That is what we call the victim mindset.
Nothing is perfect in life. It is time that you got real with who you are as a man. Men desire women. Women desire men. Mastering the method of meeting, talking, and socializing with women, whilst growing as a person is what helps a boy become a masculine man. If you want to, there is always help.
[…] The importance of attracting women and becoming a better man is a subject we engaged in a different post. Where the key takeaway was that in order to become a fully rounded masculine man, being good in the game (i.e. women and relationships) was a key part of that process. […]