Being a ‘Nice Guy’ vs a ‘Bad Boy’: What Does it Mean to be a Man Today

A lot of men grow up receiving a lot of mixed signals about what it means to be a man in the modern world.

Many adult men are downright confused about what it means to be a strong, competent man who is able to go out into the world and get what he wants, against a man who is downright selfish, arrogant, and behaves like a jerk by only thinking about himself.

A lot of men today are simply uncertain about how to live a life where they are able to assert their will constructively on the world, in a way that benefits their goals, against the notion of being an obnoxious p**ck who only causes harm and sows pain in the pursuit of his own short term ends.

Underlying this reality is a deeper problem of men who fail to make it in their lives.

And here we are not talking about men who get caught up in crime, get killed, or are rendered homeless (Which are serious subjects themselves). Rather it is the problem of men, the vast majority arguably, who fail to live up to their full potential in life.

One suspects there is a connection between the problem of men not being able to assert themselves in the world and function freely as healthy, masculine men, and that of men who fail to live up to their fullest potential.

The seemingly contradictory messages that men receive in their formative years, on masculinity and being true to themselves-one that they continue to receive into adulthood-invariably exerts an adverse effect on their manhood, as it relates to other aspects of life. Most notably in their dealing with the opposite sex.

Which is a factor that is worth considering, especially in a time where much of the attention on gender and sexuality lies squarely with women, and in more recent times people who choose to identify as such!

Here our focus is on men, who are badly in need of some direction.

‘Confused’: The Word that Defines Modern Men 

Recall a time when someone you knew, a man, lost it!

I mean really lost it. What happened? Specifically what were the moments that led up to that particular moment when he lost his cool? Was it something serious, or was it, as it is often the case, in a familial setting, something quite trivial? But one that involved a disproportionate reaction. As if the man in question was holding something inside, that just blew up at that moment.

A matter that could have been handled a bit differently. A problem, or slight that did not warrant losing one’s cool over. In fact, it could have even been an opportunity for humor. A moment that could have opened the door to a deeper discussion if it had been approached correctly.

A moment, that if he chooses, could have led the person (man) to consider what is going on in his life and the nature of his relationships that have led him to this moment of anger.

The Lost Art of Expressing Yourself

One of the main psychological hurdles holding back men today is the need to (or so they believe) present a likable, acceptable, friendly, or ‘nice’ version of themselves to the world.

The problem of the ‘nice guy’ has become a major talking point in the world of dating and relationships. An arena of life that has come to manifest most strongly this issue. But before we get to that, we need to understand what is meant by the term ‘art’ in relation to self-expression.

In his best-selling (or better legendary) book, ‘How to Win Friends and Influence People’ Daniel Carnegie outlines the 30 principles that people ought to follow if they wish to succeed in the arena of social relations and life in general.

Under the heading of ‘Fundamental Techniques for Handling People, is the principle of ‘Don’t criticize, condemn or complain’. Notice three keywords that define the principle: they all assume a sense of strength and confidence on part of the individual who must showcase them in the face of hostility, or discomfort. The question is are men today in a position to exhibit these qualities?

Since each of the reactions Carnegie outlines: that to criticize (which implies animosity) to condemn which ventures close to that of outright hostility, or to complain which is basically the response many men express toward problems they cannot confront head on, but to do so constructively (i.e. by not being a B**ch about it).

Each of these emotional reactions or states: to criticize, condemn or complain are symptoms found in men who don’t have the social calibration, but underlying it, the mindset to deal with conflict. They are in other words, weak men.

Dale Carnegie's, book whilst attracting its fair share of praise and criticism over the years has become something of a bible in the world of sales and self-help circles. However, the principles outlined in his work carry tremendous value for life, particularly for men who have trouble trying to navigate their way in the social world.

The question is, are men getting that help today? Apart from those who read good books, and choose to apply its teachings, the question is: Is the modern man receiving the kind of guidance, and later leadership that is much required in his journey to becoming a full man?

The answer ought to be obvious. If you look at the state of the world today, part of the problem with men who have trouble making their way in life that is in navigating the world of business, relationships, and personal development, they have a hard time communicating effectively.

Good communication refers to the capacity to express what they want, express disagreement constructively, and able to deal with conflict without making things worse.

And arguably nowhere this problem is more apparent in the world of relationships. Why is where we are going next.

The ‘Fear’ of Talking to Girls 

Here we go.

Now there is no way around this, if you as a guy who wants to get good with women, you need to start talking to them. Caz they are not going to.

Look, we can pick apart why or why not women can, should, or ought to make the first move: On why women ought to take the lead in setting up dates. The point is for cultural and biological reasons the onus is on men to make things happen. So you as a man need to make things happen!

If this is a fact of life (which it is) the question is why aren’t more (or all) men doing it.

The simple when it comes to the problem of not talking to women is that men today have not been told how to. They have not undergone that passage of development where they have learned to engage girls as equals.

Now the prevalent view is that despite not having undergone a process of mentorship in their formative years, boys would somehow be able to talk, socialize and relate to women. Not so. Men, no matter how old they get, how many friends they have, or matter how much money they are able to make, need specific guidance on the subject of women.

This is a subject for another time, but the importance of having a rite of passage in the pathway from boyhood to manhood is worth considering in any debate concerning the trouble men have when relating to women, and expanding on it when it comes to asserting their will on the world around them.

If you have been following this debate, you may for example have noticed the growing popularity of dating coaches and self-help programs that are aimed at helping men in this arena. There seems to be a new one cropping up each day. The question is why?

The answer of course is the trouble men have when it comes to communicating with women. But at a deeper level, it reflects the social calibration that men have NOT been able to develop, one that extends into other areas of life. Since the idea of communicating effectively pertains to all key areas of life. As social animals, if you don’t communicate well, you are not going anywhere in life.

The Problem with ‘Nice Guys’ and ‘Bad Boys’

By now most of you must be aware of the matter of ‘nice guys finishing last’. A view that usually accompanies the view of ‘bad boys’ as those who are able to get what they want, when they want, especially when it comes to the opposite sex.

To whatever extent this view is true, in reality, however, this must be weighed in relation to the question of how this idea developed in the first place. How is that ‘nice guys’: which is taken to imply men who are always kind, respectful, caring, and concerned about other people’s feelings are generally ill-equipped when it comes to having their own needs met.

The problem with ‘nice guys’ is made most manifest in the dating and relationship arena. A view that is based on the idea that girls generally prefer men who are tough, assertive, brave, and for that matter, a bit selfish.

Thus the accompanying view of ‘bad boys’ who are able to get all the girls, which is partly true in light of the fact that girls do like men who take charge. Who communicate what they want directly. Men who are not afraid to take risks. And let’s face it, when it comes to starting something new with a person you just met, that process invariably involves some kind of risk-taking.

However, the reality is a bit more complicated than that.

Whilst it is true that men who choose to not give a f**k about their feelings (fears) and just go for it: either in terms of approaching girls, sexualizing conversations, or asking girls out stand a better chance to succeed.

And what is also true is that the problem with so-called ‘nice guys’ is their lack of experience when it comes to communicating their needs clearly, and in a timely manner. Especially when faced with conflict. Both outside and within.

But when it comes to ‘bad boys’ having all the success with women on the basis of their don’t-care attitude towards outcomes, which whilst in principle effective when it comes to getting out of your comfort zone and growing as a person. It is nonetheless an incomplete, and potentially problematic formula for long-term success.

For the idea of being a masculine man, who is in touch with his core self, is able to go out and meet his need and wants in a constructive manner, and is able to (and this is the important point) grow as a person: where he is able to develop himself in areas of finance, fitness, and mindset, is one that requires an all-round approach to development.

One must not be fooled by the apparent dichotomy between the ‘bad boy’ and the ‘nice guy’.

Whilst the so-called ‘bad boy’ who can be viewed as a selfish jerk can also feature qualities that are empathetic and caring. At the same time, the so-called ‘nice guy’ who despite outwardly showcasing so many positive qualities, may in fact, upon deeper scrutiny, turn out be an angry, vindictive, powder keg, who is actually quite selfish. A selfish persona that lies hidden behind a comely façade.

In other words, both mental states: that being a nice guy or a bad boy is problematic.

Getting the Mindset Right

The extremes of either being a nice guy vs being a bad body is a question of balance.

The nice guy is often someone who has a number of good qualities but is woefully lacking in other areas. Notably in his confidence.

The bad boy on the other hand is someone who has the confidence part mostly sorted, at least an aspect of it, but is lacking the empathy department, in addition to harboring potential temperamental issues. Which can come back to haunt the person.

A truly masculine man, on the other hand, is someone who has the right mindset when it comes to approaching women, dealing with conflicts, communicating his beliefs, and is able to establish a position in the world. He is one who is also in touch with his softer side. Who is able to show kindness and express gratitude for those around him. And importantly is able to stand up for his beliefs. And let me tell you not all so-called ‘bad boys’ are able or willing to do that.

In other words, a truly masculine man is not a bad boy or a nice guy, He is a fully developed Man. 

The quest to discover or develop this part of you comes down to one question: authenticity. Becoming a man of values, and principles require you to become the best version of yourself, but also the most genuine one. Are you that person?

One of the most sought-after qualities in the world today is the ability to portray an honest version of yourself to the world. But too often, men, owing to a lack of leadership, and understanding of who they are, get caught up in the personality game: that is to showcase a version of themselves that they believe is acceptable. One that is fake or shallow. This is not going to get them far.

Achieving the Right Mindset

The factors that contribute to men becoming nice guys or bad boys, as both are problematic (though the latter is considered less of a problem unless it devolves to violence or aggression) can come down to a simple question: mindset. One that can be fixed. As a start.

However maintaining this shift, as a man makes his way in the world, growing to become a better version of himself will require more work. It involves a process.

Both the nice guy and the bad boy have issues. Often serious ones.

Shortfalls in character and mindset that need to be remedied. And the starting point for both is in recognizing that there is a problem.

At times it might be easy for the so-called bad boy who is getting all the girls (so the story goes), but what about achieving financial independence? What about pursuing your goals and fulfilling your purpose in life? What happens to them?

This is where we come in. Our job is to help men discover and reach their fullest potential. Our mission is to help men overcome their problems in:

• Dating

• Diet and Fitness

• Mindset

• Building Business and Achieving Financial Independence

Which must be accomplished in unison. So that you may become the best version of yourself.

Conclusion

When it comes to the business of not being a nice guy or the appeal of being a bad boy who is able to get what he wants, we need to go deeper and look at the principles that are at work. Just as winning friends and influencing people involves following certain rules of communication, to succeed in life, you need to have the personal development question locked down. But doing it is easier said than done.

Men need specific guidance and leadership on how to develop their skills in the areas of dating, communication, and being a better version of themselves. Caz doing so means going beyond simple concepts of being “nice” or “bad”. It involves a challenge. It involves growth. Do you want to see this change?