How to Make Friends in a New City

To make friends in a new city, put yourself in places where you can meet the same people again. Join an activity you actually like, show up regularly, and make a small invitation when you get along with somebody. Waiting at home for a social life to appear isn’t much of a plan.

Moving creates a specific problem. Your old friendships may still matter, but you no longer have the ordinary local contact that came with them. You need somewhere to go and people you can get to know without starting from zero every weekend.

In the archive video above, I answer a question about rebuilding a social life after moving. I also admit that, at the time, I’d put more attention into my business than my local social life. I’m not going to pretend that moving somewhere automatically makes you good at this.

Make room for a local social life

The viewer’s question included how to make time for social activities while working. That’s worth answering before you start collecting a list of events.

If every evening is already committed to work, you haven’t left much room to meet anyone. Decide what you can realistically attend. An activity you can return to is more useful than an ambitious schedule you abandon immediately.

You might choose a weekday class and leave some time after it for talking. That’s an example, not a required weekly quota. The point is to put something real in your calendar instead of vaguely deciding you’ll go out more.

You don’t have to stop caring about work. But if local friendships matter to you, they need some of your time. Be honest about the tradeoff.

Join an activity you’d enjoy even before you make friends

In the video, I suggest clubs and recreational activities. A running group, a recreational sports team, or a painting class gives you something to do with other people.

Pick something you actually want to try. If you hate running, you don’t have to become a runner because somebody told you it’s a good way to meet people. Look for an activity that fits your interests and your circumstances.

The shared activity gives you an ordinary reason to speak. You can ask about the route, the class, or the next meeting. You don’t need to open with your life story or invent an impressive introduction.

I mention taking an acting class when I lived in Los Angeles. I also talk about meeting people through Magic: The Gathering. Those are examples from my own life, not a claim that everybody needs the same hobbies.

What interests you enough that you’d want to go back?

Look for groups that meet again

I recommend looking for local interest groups in the source video, including through Meetup. Professional groups can also be useful if you genuinely enjoy the subject.

I used to attend programming groups that met weekly or monthly. You may have a completely different interest. The useful question is whether there’s a group you can attend more than once.

Before committing, check the current schedule and any cost. A listing on the internet doesn’t tell you whether a group is still active or whether the meeting fits your availability.

Here’s a hypothetical example: you find a board-game group that meets on Thursday evenings. You attend, learn a few names, and come back the next time. You’ve now got a reason to say hello to somebody you’ve met before.

That doesn’t guarantee a friendship. It gives you a practical place to start having repeated conversations.

Try a few options, then keep the ones that fit

In the video, I suggest trying different groups and dropping the ones that don’t work out. You don’t need to decide that your first event represents the entire city.

Maybe you enjoy the activity but the meeting time is impossible. Maybe the group isn’t welcoming, or you simply don’t enjoy being there. You can try something else.

Give yourself a chance to learn what the group is like, but don’t force yourself into an activity you dislike just to avoid starting again. You’re looking for something you can actually keep doing.

Afterwards, ask whether you enjoyed the activity and whether you’d be willing to return. Those are more useful questions than whether you found a new best friend on the first night.

Become a familiar face without forcing conversation

Another idea from the video is going to a place regularly, such as a coffee shop. You may begin recognizing people who spend time there too.

That isn’t permission to interrupt someone who’s working or doesn’t want to talk. Start with an ordinary greeting when the situation allows it. If they keep the interaction short, respect that.

A familiar place can also make a later invitation easier to arrange. If you meet somebody at a class and mention getting coffee afterwards, you already know somewhere nearby.

You don’t need to turn every errand into a social exercise. The idea is to have some local routines that get you out of your house, rather than treating every outing as an isolated attempt to find friends.

Get to know people who already have local friends

I also talk about meeting someone who already knows people in the area. Building an entire group yourself can be difficult. You may find it easier to join an existing activity or gathering.

Get to know the person first. Don’t treat them as a contact whose job is to provide you with a social circle.

If you get along at a recreational game and they mention that people are getting food afterwards, ask whether you can join. Or, when it feels appropriate, make a small invitation yourself.

For example: “I’m going to grab coffee after the next class. Want to come?” That’s a sample invitation, not a line from the video. Keep it straightforward and let them say no.

An invitation is an opportunity to spend time together. It isn’t a test of your worth or a demand that somebody become your friend.

Keep your old friendships while you build new ones

In the archive video, I describe keeping old friends and seeing people I knew when I traveled. Moving doesn’t mean those friendships stop counting.

You can stay in touch with people you care about while still making room for local relationships. A call with an old friend and attending a local class serve different purposes. You don’t have to choose one permanently.

Be careful about spending all your available social time wishing you were somewhere else, though. If you want friends where you live now, you’ll have to participate there.

You can miss your old city and still accept an invitation in your new one.

What if you feel shy or behind?

You may arrive knowing nobody while other people already have full lives. Some have families or demanding work schedules. Their availability won’t always match yours.

That doesn’t mean you missed your chance to make friends. It means you need to find people and activities that fit your life now, rather than expecting the same social routine you had years ago.

If introducing yourself is the sticking point, read how to make friends when you are shy. If fear keeps you from taking an ordinary first step, read about acting when you feel afraid. This article addresses the moving problem: finding local places and routines where friendships have a chance to develop.

Not sure where to start? Take the free Bulldog Mindset Quiz and find the standard you need to tighten first.

Prefer audio? Listen on the Bulldog Mindset podcast.

What’s one local activity you’re willing to show up for again?